Duh.

I've been thinking way too much about writing. Or to put it another way, I'm thinking way too much about doing stuff in the present. I do nothing if I think alot. But I'm always serious about trying to finish things along. Yes, I've said it before in other entries. I'm a lazy fucking basterd. I don't do much trying to finish goals I set for myself in imaginary land in my head. I get to look at the present which im in and say, fuck I didn't finish that last sentence I wrote-on a story I did-in my head. A fake story.

Well, I don't care about that now. All I want to do right now is just listen to music, maybe read if I can concentrate quickly, or play games that I downloaded on my computer. That's basically what I end up doing, playing games with my time and my life. This and whacking off to porn, good stuff ;-)

My day goes well when I don't have anything important to finish. But I feel guilty when I don't do anything at all. Then it goes downhill from there...

Layered Confusion

Today, I went to work very ready. Like I said before on another entry, I wanted the day to

go by quickly because I want the week to end quick. When I work, I get into all sort of moods; I start to playback songs in my head. Songs I hear on my ipod, or on the internet. This happens when I want to think about movies all day long. I could go on with the list of theme I want to see in a movie. Action always comes up first though. I would like to go on a writing rampage, doing the work mostly not done when I want to do it. I'd write a screenplay on an action plot I thought about when I get to work. Though I feel like Im not adequate enough to do something like this. I get afraid that If I leave a comfortable area. I start to tell myself that I can't do anything at all.

I can't be that screenwriter, that artist-who works in creative words, someone who can damn well write. Im not that person.

I'm me. Gabe. This is where I usually draw the line when I stop writing anything at all. I don't think about anything after it. Just stopping any hard work, or anything that comes up that feels hard in my mind and not doing it.

I did this long ago when I was trying to write a long short story and ended up writing about seventeen pages of a novel I wrote that never made it past chapter one. It ended up on a floppy and months laters had dissapeared completely from my room. It wasn't there when I wanted to look for it. But all that work, making up shit. Feeling so empty at times, but when I started I got a roomfull of imaginary people yelling me to deaf about why I shouldn't continue; Fuck you, I got work to do-I would say at times. But now it's like no one is in my head to stop me, my ego was destroy a couple of times but it hasn't stopped me from trying to write about anything at all. I'm down into quarters trying to do whatever is meaning ful in my life. Except write, which I should normally do.

Weekend Update.

Well, Im bored for one thing.

I haven't done nothing yet. But Im waiting to get this coming week finished, so I could go

out of town, and not look back. Yet, Im feeling like Im readying myself for anything. Then,

i start to go and do nothing again.

Right now, I did some changes in my bank account. I started to send people I owe money in which when I get paid, they'll get some money back.

I feel like a grifter. lowlife motherfucker. But im not. I got a lot of debt behind me, and I need to do something about it. But I digress, Im not a smart man. Im just an average joe, looking to dig myself out of a lot of messes. And breathe the sigh of air, that will free me when I get out.

Geez, im such a drama queen.

Procrastinate.

It's gotten to the point where I don't do much, anymore. I started to look at all the past memories in my head. Where I go to die sometimes, I think. Well, when I start to remember shit-I get very emotional. I don't want to cry. But I want to think of a good time, where I was doing something productive instead of trying to distract my self with jacking off; My dick is very sore. And instead of looking at porn, or playing games on my pc, I would do something else: Like opening up a word processor hitting any key on the damn thing and having a go at it.

I use to do some productive stuff. Now, its just me staring into a flat screen monitor and a nice pc I bought with my hard earned money. Thinking that I would probably do something better with my time, than just look at porn, masturbate, or play games. Just do, that's all.

Today, I feel like I don't know if I should spend on myself. I don't

have a lot of money to do things. I already paid a bill I owed. I don't

have anything I need to pay right now. And it's getting to the point where

I stay in my chair and imaginate that I can write a good screenplay; Give

good direction and look out to my imaginary actor (whose this ex-pornstar) and

tell him to let go of his insecurities (Fuck it) play with how you'd talk-I'd tell him

and do the scene as if you're getting fucked literally.

That's how part of my day goes along. If I can't think of anything at all, Literally I play a scene in my head that needs to go at full speed before I realized it's fucking stupid and I should get up, wash my hands of dry cum and get to work.

Cut

Reading between the lines at work. I started to notice that a lot of people don't like me, or are afraid of approaching me(am some people do scare me, too). I don't care much if people don't want to say hello first to me, if they do. But Its a pain in the ass, just trying to socialize alot. I'm not a Socially personable or anything like that. I just don't like to be put in a spotlight where I have to juggle two or three things while suffering a nervous breakdown.

When I came into work early today, I felt tired. I don't think I got a lot of sleep when I got up. I took my pill, swallowed it with some warm water. Just thinking nothing of it everytime I do, I go on line and just look at anything. I've been doing this since 1996 when they started giving out internet disks at the computer fair.

A long time ago, my mom got us internet service through dial up. Which was very slow considering that you had to hang up every phone in the house, that had been connected to one line, and wait for a dial tone from the other server. It was hard during those days; I remember leaving the net on once and forgetting that it had been left on since we left for long summer vacations. But that was then, now everything is fast. Food, sex, drugs, money and drinking are going at the rate of roaring river. And I'm here still getting my fill on masturbating every day and night.

I'm probably blabbing on about this and that. It's been a long day and I just wanted to write something without pulling out my hair.

Day One- A void

I sometimes try to think of an idea. Something that will capture my motivation, I want to

use it-if I can. Today I had no ideas, just pictures moving in my head. I thought about a scene

I wanted to write down. I couldn't think of anything at all to start saying it; But it was in my head, where I pictured this tall, rugged man beating the shit out of this medium slender punk-But it was the punk who was getting in most of the punches and My Protagonist (the guy im writing this for) is weasling his way out of getting killed by this punk.

But that's in my head.

Right now, Im home looking to write anything down. I haven't written anything down at all. Most of the time, I could care less with all the words coming at me; A thousand thoughts trying to cram themselves out of a tiny hold in my head.

My boss doesn't know I write, even though my family knows. I'll let you in on a secret. Picture me as a guy who imaginates alot. Someone staring dream eyed into the void, acting as if he were crazy or saw a black blur at the corner of his eye. I am this man, a nut.

After spending half of my time, looking at some guy's blog and me, trying to figure out what to do, I meditate on what I should be doing in my life. I've done nothing most of the time.

That's what I do.

Nothing.