I'm done.

I've been in so many stupid circumstances. I don't know where to begin. I thought about killing myself once, although It would be a downer if I mention it here-I hate being a downer. Now, I'm not going to continue going down this route. It's over, done. I've been there before and know the territory.

What I am going to say is, I've had too many downer in one lifetime. And I'm still here, alive and well.

When parents let you know that you can be anything, when you grow up. They literally are try to bullshit you into taking your life into the fullest measure. You do one thing, and one thing only and you love it. But I don't love it. I hate it. I hate when I start to go to work, everyday-like most everyone else; I want to do something I love like dream about telling a story. You see, like most other blogs out there. Downers or uppers. I'd appreciate to tell stories in visual and text form. Telling stories is like giving out your deepest secrets in your soul. The one you lock up from everyone else without telling them. That's what I think about how to tell stories.

I would like to say, that I want to be a full time paid writer. Getting something for nothing basically. I'd be making somewhat of an honest living. But I also like to have work to do. Physical work if I can't get myself to work through the dreams in my head.

And that's just some kind of hypocrisy on my part because I'm part worker, part dreamer. I like to do things differently.

It brings me to a different topic. I'm not going to sell myself to anyone on Facebook, or myspace anymore. I'm done with that bullshit. I go on, from time to time to see if anything was stirring on my profiles but nothing happens most of the time. I had no friends then and I have no friends now. I usually think I'd have an imaginary friend respond to me in the comments, but he too is fucking quiet. Not a peep from that imaginary bastard.

Anyway, I'm here doing nothing but waiting for work for the next three hours. I Love/hate my work because I think that when I go to work, some of the co-workers are alright some of the time, but they would get on my nerves if they start to yell at me-or belittle me. I hate that.

I'm gonna think about other things, beside overthinking about work and life.

Bye.

Overblown.

I should've started writing about my condition, a long time ago.

I didn't though, because I was feeling too down. Well, I wasn't down. I was depressed that I had caused all this injury to myself when I was getting to a boiling point. I started to get suicidal that I would be living with my step father who was creating a sort of bully in my head-telling me to get out of my mother's life. I should be outside doing my own things. Being my own person. I am, perhaps doing those things now. But when he was married to my mom, it became a psychological game where He played the cat. While Myself and my mother, played the mice trapped in a two bedroom apartment condo, where a little girl-his daughter-living above their bed pissing of course on my stepfather's head.

I worked all the time, well at least I try to think I worked. I would try to look for jobs, trying to get out of the house all the time because I hated being with that man in the apartment. I looked for other vents, things I could do to better myself while taking my mind off of that man. I hated him so much.

I don't think about him. Because he's out of my mother's life and mines.

One time, I had bought a bottle of herbal vitamins from an online site where they offered to cure your over masturbating by giving you ginseng and herbs that could heal your raw, overworked penis. HA HA. I took some thinking I would someday lose my manhood and would have to live alone.

Though I was into my body phase. Where I would dream of having a six pack ab. Having a nice physique. And turning myself into a good looking guy. I'm full of these wonderful self hating quips about myself.

I'm as chubby as a Clydesdale horse. I'd like to think of myself as wrapped inside me there is a man waiting to burst out with good looks.

T-4 was what I bought that I thought would help me burn all this body fat and giving me an edge. I didn't know how it would work. But I read the label so many times, I thought I knew some parts of how it works and where it would giving me growing pains to stop losing weight.

Weeks later, after taking both pills. I would start to feel sore in some parts of my body. My head would sweat from so much anxiety, there were times I felt like running from my job and just leaving san diego for good. I thought to myself, this isn't how life is supposed to be. I'm trying to get myself together. I want to lose weight be somebody. I don't know where I'm losing everything.

Then there was a day, I felt like I was dying inside. For some time, I was blacking out in my room. Wanting to collapse and let the ground open up and take me. I wanted to not exist anymore. I told myself I hated everyone around me, not wanting them to enjoy the pleasure of my existence I let it be known that If I were gone I would be happy if they forgot about me.

I fell to the floor. My eyes starting to dim, as a felt a rush of blood coming to my neck and start to pool there for a moment. I could breath in small, short spurts. I thought this was it. My soul lifted from me, I could see a large slab of meat(myself) lying next to the bed. The room around me was quiet and still. My eyes were still open looking underneath the bed at the plug on the wall.

I got up only moments later. The blood still at my neck, pooling and growing. I went to the bathroom and saw a lump, tender to the touch and growing while i was breathing slowly. It was my neck, there was a lump inside my neck. And I couldn't breath fully.

WTF!

Where you and I begin.

I had a very slow day. Well, it wasn't slow but I kept playing video games and relaxing for a bit. I start to do this every day, even though porn has replaced some of my life. I would think about other things to do. I played Bioshock when I woke up. I'm almost at the end of it, and I already finished it so many times, I feel like I know how the game will end. I tried playing it badly for the bad ending. Twice I know how that feels. Anyway, sometimes my day will go off sporatically I'll feel like I'm doing nothing but just sitting down and staring at my computer wanting something to change in me. But NOTHING ever changes. I get those moments of emptiness where I want to just go off, running and picking up a girl I don't know and just go to the movies and have fun. But I don't do that because I'm shy and would start to stutter if I pick her up and tell her were going to the movies.

I'm going on twenty six soon. I should start to change for a while. But I don't know where to begin, and where to end.

I love you,man

I haven't forgiven myself for all the crumby things I did before. I started to think that I'm going to rack up another crumby life after I make tabs on what I'm going to say right now. I think that whatever happened, happened. I can't change the fact I had a couple of crushes. I had a man crush once with this guy I liked a lot. He was very handsome and sort of quiet, funny. I used to think that I was too much for someone like him. I am now. I was right. I can't forgive myself so many times, thinking that I said a lot of stupid shit to this man about how he gave me some experiences I could never forget. How he was like fun, but I never mentioned this to him at all. I get anxious trying to express myself at all.

Even when it's someone outside my circle. Remember I read up on my sign, it's a Scorpio. I'm supposed to poison parts of myself whenever I get the chance, and that was then. I literally killed myself when I Txted him a lot. And He pushed me away.

I can be numb to rejection. I would still take a no for an answer but I would also probe for another meaning to why you said "No" in the first place. There has to be a reason. I'm a scorpio remember I like to find out reasons to why.

If you're out there reading this. I'd like to hook up and enjoy those moments.

Religulous.

I've been following some kind of existentialism bullshit. I'm not religious or anything like that, I stopped going to meetings (being an Ex-JW) and feeling that religion is not for me. I openly accept and respect other people's religion. But don't try to convert me or try to tell me something that would be excellent for me in another lifetime. I get that from my mom everyday. I tried to think about the things that I would do, if I ever did any, out of any religious law or anything like that. I don't give a shit about celebrating my birthday even though It's a mile marker on the way to where ever I'm going.

I've been a secret atheist for a long time. I tried to let others in my family now that without tell them. I just sort of smack the air with notes that would make me nervous.

I sort of put myself in a corner over the past two years. I tried looking for other things to do. I don't know if I would be telling myself that I did something right by looking for a "Fuck Bud"-I just want someone who can understand me and not think I'm a closet-mental fucking case. That and doesn't care what I do. Just love me. I tried to this with other people. I fail at most every try.

I'll figure out that I'm either a boring person with an fat girth and average length penis or someone who is extremely scaring. I hate the latter. I'm not scary. I just stare into everybody cause I'm waiting for some kind of bile to be spilled on me.

But fuck it, who cares. I'm drunk and heading over to play games after I close this blog.

Hah

Seven years ago, or something like that, I thought about what life would be like in my future. I never went to college, never went to a technical school. Always had dreams of doing something better for myself and getting out there to be myself. Two out of those three things I never did. Being myself I'm almost there but not yet fully developed. I'm a late bloomer. Someone who just sits and waits to grow. I'm always starting to think that things that should be changing me are just something that doesn't affect me much. I can't get myself to think of getting married soon, or having a child with a partner that would love me as much as I love back. I'm looking forward to trying to break off of my procrastination habit. I do so much procrastinating its ridiculous. I'm trying to just be me at times. Thinking about what to do and how to be. I'm just a box full of worries.

Rumminating.k thnx bye

Forgetting everything. Every little thing I could remember. I thought about it to myself as I sit here writing this blog. What's there to remember. Sure I had a couple of experiences that I did, to myself, over the past few months I was moving around from Condo to condo. Living with people I know is not hard, nor easy. I try my best to make the best out of working, living a dream in my head that I would like to live-Writing-while just minding my own business and not doing a damn thing about anyone lives. I'm not like that by the way, I don't want to mess with anyone nor would I want them to mess with me. I'm usually the quiet type, strong and very pissed at times. If you try to offend me with some type of remark, I won't go off-but I'll let my quiet rage edge to the top and forget you were alive-By ignoring you to death. Maybe even giving you the death stare while I'm at it. That's normally what I do. I wouldn't want to bore you with anything I'm afraid won't do a goddamn thing to change you.

It's like those dialogs in dramatic movies, everyone comes together for one last punch at the grain; A man fights against his cancer, a woman runs away from jilted ex lover, me-I'm running away from stupid experiences from a past behind me so long ago, I should bury it in the sand at La Jolla. I sort of seeth in past lives. I was once a big shot in my head, now I'm nothing but a hard working-albeit sort of slow guy.