I'm done.

I've been in so many stupid circumstances. I don't know where to begin. I thought about killing myself once, although It would be a downer if I mention it here-I hate being a downer. Now, I'm not going to continue going down this route. It's over, done. I've been there before and know the territory.

What I am going to say is, I've had too many downer in one lifetime. And I'm still here, alive and well.

When parents let you know that you can be anything, when you grow up. They literally are try to bullshit you into taking your life into the fullest measure. You do one thing, and one thing only and you love it. But I don't love it. I hate it. I hate when I start to go to work, everyday-like most everyone else; I want to do something I love like dream about telling a story. You see, like most other blogs out there. Downers or uppers. I'd appreciate to tell stories in visual and text form. Telling stories is like giving out your deepest secrets in your soul. The one you lock up from everyone else without telling them. That's what I think about how to tell stories.

I would like to say, that I want to be a full time paid writer. Getting something for nothing basically. I'd be making somewhat of an honest living. But I also like to have work to do. Physical work if I can't get myself to work through the dreams in my head.

And that's just some kind of hypocrisy on my part because I'm part worker, part dreamer. I like to do things differently.

It brings me to a different topic. I'm not going to sell myself to anyone on Facebook, or myspace anymore. I'm done with that bullshit. I go on, from time to time to see if anything was stirring on my profiles but nothing happens most of the time. I had no friends then and I have no friends now. I usually think I'd have an imaginary friend respond to me in the comments, but he too is fucking quiet. Not a peep from that imaginary bastard.

Anyway, I'm here doing nothing but waiting for work for the next three hours. I Love/hate my work because I think that when I go to work, some of the co-workers are alright some of the time, but they would get on my nerves if they start to yell at me-or belittle me. I hate that.

I'm gonna think about other things, beside overthinking about work and life.

Bye.

Overblown.

I should've started writing about my condition, a long time ago.

I didn't though, because I was feeling too down. Well, I wasn't down. I was depressed that I had caused all this injury to myself when I was getting to a boiling point. I started to get suicidal that I would be living with my step father who was creating a sort of bully in my head-telling me to get out of my mother's life. I should be outside doing my own things. Being my own person. I am, perhaps doing those things now. But when he was married to my mom, it became a psychological game where He played the cat. While Myself and my mother, played the mice trapped in a two bedroom apartment condo, where a little girl-his daughter-living above their bed pissing of course on my stepfather's head.

I worked all the time, well at least I try to think I worked. I would try to look for jobs, trying to get out of the house all the time because I hated being with that man in the apartment. I looked for other vents, things I could do to better myself while taking my mind off of that man. I hated him so much.

I don't think about him. Because he's out of my mother's life and mines.

One time, I had bought a bottle of herbal vitamins from an online site where they offered to cure your over masturbating by giving you ginseng and herbs that could heal your raw, overworked penis. HA HA. I took some thinking I would someday lose my manhood and would have to live alone.

Though I was into my body phase. Where I would dream of having a six pack ab. Having a nice physique. And turning myself into a good looking guy. I'm full of these wonderful self hating quips about myself.

I'm as chubby as a Clydesdale horse. I'd like to think of myself as wrapped inside me there is a man waiting to burst out with good looks.

T-4 was what I bought that I thought would help me burn all this body fat and giving me an edge. I didn't know how it would work. But I read the label so many times, I thought I knew some parts of how it works and where it would giving me growing pains to stop losing weight.

Weeks later, after taking both pills. I would start to feel sore in some parts of my body. My head would sweat from so much anxiety, there were times I felt like running from my job and just leaving san diego for good. I thought to myself, this isn't how life is supposed to be. I'm trying to get myself together. I want to lose weight be somebody. I don't know where I'm losing everything.

Then there was a day, I felt like I was dying inside. For some time, I was blacking out in my room. Wanting to collapse and let the ground open up and take me. I wanted to not exist anymore. I told myself I hated everyone around me, not wanting them to enjoy the pleasure of my existence I let it be known that If I were gone I would be happy if they forgot about me.

I fell to the floor. My eyes starting to dim, as a felt a rush of blood coming to my neck and start to pool there for a moment. I could breath in small, short spurts. I thought this was it. My soul lifted from me, I could see a large slab of meat(myself) lying next to the bed. The room around me was quiet and still. My eyes were still open looking underneath the bed at the plug on the wall.

I got up only moments later. The blood still at my neck, pooling and growing. I went to the bathroom and saw a lump, tender to the touch and growing while i was breathing slowly. It was my neck, there was a lump inside my neck. And I couldn't breath fully.

WTF!

Where you and I begin.

I had a very slow day. Well, it wasn't slow but I kept playing video games and relaxing for a bit. I start to do this every day, even though porn has replaced some of my life. I would think about other things to do. I played Bioshock when I woke up. I'm almost at the end of it, and I already finished it so many times, I feel like I know how the game will end. I tried playing it badly for the bad ending. Twice I know how that feels. Anyway, sometimes my day will go off sporatically I'll feel like I'm doing nothing but just sitting down and staring at my computer wanting something to change in me. But NOTHING ever changes. I get those moments of emptiness where I want to just go off, running and picking up a girl I don't know and just go to the movies and have fun. But I don't do that because I'm shy and would start to stutter if I pick her up and tell her were going to the movies.

I'm going on twenty six soon. I should start to change for a while. But I don't know where to begin, and where to end.

I love you,man

I haven't forgiven myself for all the crumby things I did before. I started to think that I'm going to rack up another crumby life after I make tabs on what I'm going to say right now. I think that whatever happened, happened. I can't change the fact I had a couple of crushes. I had a man crush once with this guy I liked a lot. He was very handsome and sort of quiet, funny. I used to think that I was too much for someone like him. I am now. I was right. I can't forgive myself so many times, thinking that I said a lot of stupid shit to this man about how he gave me some experiences I could never forget. How he was like fun, but I never mentioned this to him at all. I get anxious trying to express myself at all.

Even when it's someone outside my circle. Remember I read up on my sign, it's a Scorpio. I'm supposed to poison parts of myself whenever I get the chance, and that was then. I literally killed myself when I Txted him a lot. And He pushed me away.

I can be numb to rejection. I would still take a no for an answer but I would also probe for another meaning to why you said "No" in the first place. There has to be a reason. I'm a scorpio remember I like to find out reasons to why.

If you're out there reading this. I'd like to hook up and enjoy those moments.

Religulous.

I've been following some kind of existentialism bullshit. I'm not religious or anything like that, I stopped going to meetings (being an Ex-JW) and feeling that religion is not for me. I openly accept and respect other people's religion. But don't try to convert me or try to tell me something that would be excellent for me in another lifetime. I get that from my mom everyday. I tried to think about the things that I would do, if I ever did any, out of any religious law or anything like that. I don't give a shit about celebrating my birthday even though It's a mile marker on the way to where ever I'm going.

I've been a secret atheist for a long time. I tried to let others in my family now that without tell them. I just sort of smack the air with notes that would make me nervous.

I sort of put myself in a corner over the past two years. I tried looking for other things to do. I don't know if I would be telling myself that I did something right by looking for a "Fuck Bud"-I just want someone who can understand me and not think I'm a closet-mental fucking case. That and doesn't care what I do. Just love me. I tried to this with other people. I fail at most every try.

I'll figure out that I'm either a boring person with an fat girth and average length penis or someone who is extremely scaring. I hate the latter. I'm not scary. I just stare into everybody cause I'm waiting for some kind of bile to be spilled on me.

But fuck it, who cares. I'm drunk and heading over to play games after I close this blog.

Hah

Seven years ago, or something like that, I thought about what life would be like in my future. I never went to college, never went to a technical school. Always had dreams of doing something better for myself and getting out there to be myself. Two out of those three things I never did. Being myself I'm almost there but not yet fully developed. I'm a late bloomer. Someone who just sits and waits to grow. I'm always starting to think that things that should be changing me are just something that doesn't affect me much. I can't get myself to think of getting married soon, or having a child with a partner that would love me as much as I love back. I'm looking forward to trying to break off of my procrastination habit. I do so much procrastinating its ridiculous. I'm trying to just be me at times. Thinking about what to do and how to be. I'm just a box full of worries.

Rumminating.k thnx bye

Forgetting everything. Every little thing I could remember. I thought about it to myself as I sit here writing this blog. What's there to remember. Sure I had a couple of experiences that I did, to myself, over the past few months I was moving around from Condo to condo. Living with people I know is not hard, nor easy. I try my best to make the best out of working, living a dream in my head that I would like to live-Writing-while just minding my own business and not doing a damn thing about anyone lives. I'm not like that by the way, I don't want to mess with anyone nor would I want them to mess with me. I'm usually the quiet type, strong and very pissed at times. If you try to offend me with some type of remark, I won't go off-but I'll let my quiet rage edge to the top and forget you were alive-By ignoring you to death. Maybe even giving you the death stare while I'm at it. That's normally what I do. I wouldn't want to bore you with anything I'm afraid won't do a goddamn thing to change you.

It's like those dialogs in dramatic movies, everyone comes together for one last punch at the grain; A man fights against his cancer, a woman runs away from jilted ex lover, me-I'm running away from stupid experiences from a past behind me so long ago, I should bury it in the sand at La Jolla. I sort of seeth in past lives. I was once a big shot in my head, now I'm nothing but a hard working-albeit sort of slow guy.

Twiddling my thumbs while the world Burns.

I'm not doing much lately, in the stages of Life Change. I'm here in my room, sitting down near my keyboard, just looking at words come together on my screen. WTF! I thought about things to say earlier in the week, when I wasn't thinking about writing a blog entry every day. I would sit down-always at my computer-looking at porn or watching some funny shit on youtube. That or either reading Social networking sites, Digg and Reddit at the same time. I haven't thought of anything to do at all.

I notice that when I do think of something, there always another great and better idea to think about.

I got a new job already, I'm working at Jack in the box. The same job I was at, when My other company laid me off and I had to search for another job; I was-am-desperate. I need something to do other than just looking up people I knew on that Ghost town "Myspace". I've done nothing much in terms of just sit near my computer desk, jerking off and listening to NIN. I am disturbed.

But I do think there something I could, something in the works.

I'm optimistic and hopeful.

DSM IV - END OF THE WORLD MOODS.

I've been doing some movement. Though I bet if I can move more, I'll probably sweat out a lot more. Although I don't know much about what exercise to begin with, I feel like I'm not doing much at all. I try my best to get up from the computer, use one of my exercise apps on my Itouch and just start exercising. It's hard sometimes, because I have a lot of distractions going on, and I'd like to just get into losing weight because I'm very much obese. I'm so obese, i'm obsessed about losing it all.

I gain it back because I have hypothyroidism. My thyroid, in my neck, is not helping me at all-because it's not there. It's been taken out of me, ever since I had the surgury in 2006.

Feeling bad about it at times, I think, I should of been more careful taking care of myself instead of imagining my world coming down on me.

I've had END OF THE WORLD moods since I left the High Desert. I've been thinking about when I will die, or when the world will die though its just shock and awe to me-because I can go any second and would miss seeing something spectacular happen; Even though, I wouldn't want to participate in it. I'm not a religious guy, I'm Agnostic and headed toward Atheisim. It's all towards the lack of faith I had. I don't know god, I thought I did know him/her/it although No one knows anything about god. Im not a pawn in a fucking game, like spore, where I should be messed around with. I'm a human being.

I'm a mind, that needs to be free.

Those Moods sometimes give me chills, I don't care if the world will end. All I want is my experiences in life. Till I turn my side in bed, because of any sort of reason, where I have to go. Like extremely old age, bad health or anything like that, I'll know it was time to go.

And I'm not going to judge it, or say NO! it's was good knowing this.

It's almost time for me to get ready to go to work. I'm positive right now, because I know-Not right now, nor never will I bring up that kind of mood again.

Later.

Action Notes for Dummies, Plus Workers Grief

I'm listening to NIN's Yero Zero Album. And I'm thinking, this stuff is awesome. So real, and shit-it's like imagining a movie complimenting this album. I'd like to see that movie one day, but listening to this album gets me pumped.

I'm starting a new job today, though Its not actually a new job. I just went back to my old job I left and asked to come back. It feels awkward trying to say hello to everyone there when they knew, I wasn't the most spectacular employee around. I always took fried finger foods from the fryer station I was working at, when ever I went on break. Its sort of hard to try to forget the stupid things in past jobs. Now, I don't care if they bring it up again. But this time, I'll try to stay away from the fried stuff and the burger. I usually never ask to bring a burger home, because it's more of a hassle to get a cleared free furger to take home. And I don't want to bother managers so I can make my own burger-Ugh.

Anyway, I forgot to add. I'm working at JITB, if you can contain your laughs. I tried applying everywhere else, its mostly hit or miss these days with jobs.

Well, I wrote some notes a couple days back. I want to share it on this blog but I'm sort of afraid, there will be note takers copying what I wrote and using my ideas as their's. Anyway, here are some ideas I'm writing for a story:

Cale, a twenty seven year old ex con parollee. His wrists are scarred from intense cuts. His hands are dried and rough, smelling of gun residue and oil.

Cale has one tattoo on his upper right pec of a chinese symbol, "WATERFALL".

On the back of his head is a barcode tattoo of his birthdate.

Cale suffers a pain in his head. He calls them headaches but they are painful emotions which cause him migranes.

That's kind of it, I trailed off after trying to figure out what this guy "Cale" was about. I based it on a pornstar who is sort of Jason Statham mixed with Matt Damon and one of the guys got pregnant-a first-and made this guy: erik rhodes.

Overthinking again.

I saw pictures of my sister's old friends. Somehow it got me to think about my past, with all the stupid stuff I did and how I was very-Well-awkward then. In all of the pictures I found, I thought. Shit I'm not doing much these days, these people

are doing way much more than I am. And then I get kind of sad for no apparent reason. Because I'm not doing much at all and I'd like to get out; Do more things more often.

I overthink about everything because that's how it gets started, thinking about shit that I shouldn't be thinking about at all. When I get like this, I start to worry. Now, I should just stop. Take a breather and look at where I am right now, I've gain nothing but

I also didn't lose anything.

Forget it.

When I'm thinking about something, anything that comes to mind I completely freeze. It goes into my head, then I start to obsess about it. Everywhere I go, I can see this idea in my head playing out. As an imaginator, I thought about movies a lot. And when I think about movies, I get these scenes in my head where I start to imagine certain characters interacting like real life people. It sucks to not be writing what their doing down, because I don't have any enthusiam anymore. Again, though It's just imagination. And I use to write whole pages of words that meant something when I was into it. Now I don't.

It's hard to not think about anything else either. Then again, what is there to think about.

Digitize

I remembered a movie I saw in the theatre, in Hilcrest, long ago.

A movie called Melquiades Estrada. Made by Tommy Lee Jones (An actor who starred in The Fugitive, Batman Forever, and The Client) who wrote this movie about an immigrant who looks for work and befriends his boss. I thought about movies like this when I watch Blockbusters like Transformers, The Dark Knight, and Wall-E; Who makes movies with some heart? I don't even know. I'm not a very good film critic. I like a movie to have fluidity, something that can pull me in different directions while entertaining me. I like have a good variety of movies to watch and this one changed my view of how movies can be made.

But enough movie talk, being that I delete my recent post after this entry and am starting new with everything I know this month. I've had a somewhat hard week, coming back from Arizona on a small trip and enjoying the relaxing heat. I was cooking like bacon, though. HA! I'm gonna try and save money whenever I can, so I can enjoy more vacations like the one I had on monday.

Duh.

I've been thinking way too much about writing. Or to put it another way, I'm thinking way too much about doing stuff in the present. I do nothing if I think alot. But I'm always serious about trying to finish things along. Yes, I've said it before in other entries. I'm a lazy fucking basterd. I don't do much trying to finish goals I set for myself in imaginary land in my head. I get to look at the present which im in and say, fuck I didn't finish that last sentence I wrote-on a story I did-in my head. A fake story.

Well, I don't care about that now. All I want to do right now is just listen to music, maybe read if I can concentrate quickly, or play games that I downloaded on my computer. That's basically what I end up doing, playing games with my time and my life. This and whacking off to porn, good stuff ;-)

My day goes well when I don't have anything important to finish. But I feel guilty when I don't do anything at all. Then it goes downhill from there...

Layered Confusion

Today, I went to work very ready. Like I said before on another entry, I wanted the day to

go by quickly because I want the week to end quick. When I work, I get into all sort of moods; I start to playback songs in my head. Songs I hear on my ipod, or on the internet. This happens when I want to think about movies all day long. I could go on with the list of theme I want to see in a movie. Action always comes up first though. I would like to go on a writing rampage, doing the work mostly not done when I want to do it. I'd write a screenplay on an action plot I thought about when I get to work. Though I feel like Im not adequate enough to do something like this. I get afraid that If I leave a comfortable area. I start to tell myself that I can't do anything at all.

I can't be that screenwriter, that artist-who works in creative words, someone who can damn well write. Im not that person.

I'm me. Gabe. This is where I usually draw the line when I stop writing anything at all. I don't think about anything after it. Just stopping any hard work, or anything that comes up that feels hard in my mind and not doing it.

I did this long ago when I was trying to write a long short story and ended up writing about seventeen pages of a novel I wrote that never made it past chapter one. It ended up on a floppy and months laters had dissapeared completely from my room. It wasn't there when I wanted to look for it. But all that work, making up shit. Feeling so empty at times, but when I started I got a roomfull of imaginary people yelling me to deaf about why I shouldn't continue; Fuck you, I got work to do-I would say at times. But now it's like no one is in my head to stop me, my ego was destroy a couple of times but it hasn't stopped me from trying to write about anything at all. I'm down into quarters trying to do whatever is meaning ful in my life. Except write, which I should normally do.

Weekend Update.

Well, Im bored for one thing.

I haven't done nothing yet. But Im waiting to get this coming week finished, so I could go

out of town, and not look back. Yet, Im feeling like Im readying myself for anything. Then,

i start to go and do nothing again.

Right now, I did some changes in my bank account. I started to send people I owe money in which when I get paid, they'll get some money back.

I feel like a grifter. lowlife motherfucker. But im not. I got a lot of debt behind me, and I need to do something about it. But I digress, Im not a smart man. Im just an average joe, looking to dig myself out of a lot of messes. And breathe the sigh of air, that will free me when I get out.

Geez, im such a drama queen.

Procrastinate.

It's gotten to the point where I don't do much, anymore. I started to look at all the past memories in my head. Where I go to die sometimes, I think. Well, when I start to remember shit-I get very emotional. I don't want to cry. But I want to think of a good time, where I was doing something productive instead of trying to distract my self with jacking off; My dick is very sore. And instead of looking at porn, or playing games on my pc, I would do something else: Like opening up a word processor hitting any key on the damn thing and having a go at it.

I use to do some productive stuff. Now, its just me staring into a flat screen monitor and a nice pc I bought with my hard earned money. Thinking that I would probably do something better with my time, than just look at porn, masturbate, or play games. Just do, that's all.

Today, I feel like I don't know if I should spend on myself. I don't

have a lot of money to do things. I already paid a bill I owed. I don't

have anything I need to pay right now. And it's getting to the point where

I stay in my chair and imaginate that I can write a good screenplay; Give

good direction and look out to my imaginary actor (whose this ex-pornstar) and

tell him to let go of his insecurities (Fuck it) play with how you'd talk-I'd tell him

and do the scene as if you're getting fucked literally.

That's how part of my day goes along. If I can't think of anything at all, Literally I play a scene in my head that needs to go at full speed before I realized it's fucking stupid and I should get up, wash my hands of dry cum and get to work.

Cut

Reading between the lines at work. I started to notice that a lot of people don't like me, or are afraid of approaching me(am some people do scare me, too). I don't care much if people don't want to say hello first to me, if they do. But Its a pain in the ass, just trying to socialize alot. I'm not a Socially personable or anything like that. I just don't like to be put in a spotlight where I have to juggle two or three things while suffering a nervous breakdown.

When I came into work early today, I felt tired. I don't think I got a lot of sleep when I got up. I took my pill, swallowed it with some warm water. Just thinking nothing of it everytime I do, I go on line and just look at anything. I've been doing this since 1996 when they started giving out internet disks at the computer fair.

A long time ago, my mom got us internet service through dial up. Which was very slow considering that you had to hang up every phone in the house, that had been connected to one line, and wait for a dial tone from the other server. It was hard during those days; I remember leaving the net on once and forgetting that it had been left on since we left for long summer vacations. But that was then, now everything is fast. Food, sex, drugs, money and drinking are going at the rate of roaring river. And I'm here still getting my fill on masturbating every day and night.

I'm probably blabbing on about this and that. It's been a long day and I just wanted to write something without pulling out my hair.

Day One- A void

I sometimes try to think of an idea. Something that will capture my motivation, I want to

use it-if I can. Today I had no ideas, just pictures moving in my head. I thought about a scene

I wanted to write down. I couldn't think of anything at all to start saying it; But it was in my head, where I pictured this tall, rugged man beating the shit out of this medium slender punk-But it was the punk who was getting in most of the punches and My Protagonist (the guy im writing this for) is weasling his way out of getting killed by this punk.

But that's in my head.

Right now, Im home looking to write anything down. I haven't written anything down at all. Most of the time, I could care less with all the words coming at me; A thousand thoughts trying to cram themselves out of a tiny hold in my head.

My boss doesn't know I write, even though my family knows. I'll let you in on a secret. Picture me as a guy who imaginates alot. Someone staring dream eyed into the void, acting as if he were crazy or saw a black blur at the corner of his eye. I am this man, a nut.

After spending half of my time, looking at some guy's blog and me, trying to figure out what to do, I meditate on what I should be doing in my life. I've done nothing most of the time.

That's what I do.

Nothing.