I didn't though, because I was feeling too down. Well, I wasn't down. I was depressed that I had caused all this injury to myself when I was getting to a boiling point. I started to get suicidal that I would be living with my step father who was creating a sort of bully in my head-telling me to get out of my mother's life. I should be outside doing my own things. Being my own person. I am, perhaps doing those things now. But when he was married to my mom, it became a psychological game where He played the cat. While Myself and my mother, played the mice trapped in a two bedroom apartment condo, where a little girl-his daughter-living above their bed pissing of course on my stepfather's head.
I worked all the time, well at least I try to think I worked. I would try to look for jobs, trying to get out of the house all the time because I hated being with that man in the apartment. I looked for other vents, things I could do to better myself while taking my mind off of that man. I hated him so much.
I don't think about him. Because he's out of my mother's life and mines.
One time, I had bought a bottle of herbal vitamins from an online site where they offered to cure your over masturbating by giving you ginseng and herbs that could heal your raw, overworked penis. HA HA. I took some thinking I would someday lose my manhood and would have to live alone.
Though I was into my body phase. Where I would dream of having a six pack ab. Having a nice physique. And turning myself into a good looking guy. I'm full of these wonderful self hating quips about myself.
I'm as chubby as a Clydesdale horse. I'd like to think of myself as wrapped inside me there is a man waiting to burst out with good looks.
T-4 was what I bought that I thought would help me burn all this body fat and giving me an edge. I didn't know how it would work. But I read the label so many times, I thought I knew some parts of how it works and where it would giving me growing pains to stop losing weight.
Weeks later, after taking both pills. I would start to feel sore in some parts of my body. My head would sweat from so much anxiety, there were times I felt like running from my job and just leaving san diego for good. I thought to myself, this isn't how life is supposed to be. I'm trying to get myself together. I want to lose weight be somebody. I don't know where I'm losing everything.
Then there was a day, I felt like I was dying inside. For some time, I was blacking out in my room. Wanting to collapse and let the ground open up and take me. I wanted to not exist anymore. I told myself I hated everyone around me, not wanting them to enjoy the pleasure of my existence I let it be known that If I were gone I would be happy if they forgot about me.
I fell to the floor. My eyes starting to dim, as a felt a rush of blood coming to my neck and start to pool there for a moment. I could breath in small, short spurts. I thought this was it. My soul lifted from me, I could see a large slab of meat(myself) lying next to the bed. The room around me was quiet and still. My eyes were still open looking underneath the bed at the plug on the wall.
I got up only moments later. The blood still at my neck, pooling and growing. I went to the bathroom and saw a lump, tender to the touch and growing while i was breathing slowly. It was my neck, there was a lump inside my neck. And I couldn't breath fully.
WTF!
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